Some Ways to be Assertive

Written by Ashima Bharadwaj and Saniya Bedi

Assertiveness is a skill that has the power of honouring one's thoughts and opinions while respecting others.

Assertive behaviour is a win-win situation wherein we neither lose ourselves nor others. In other words, assertive behaviour keeps both-self and others at the same pedestal.

Shimizu (2003) explained that learning assertive communication skills can help in negotiating, accepting and dealing with constructive criticism/(s). Examples of assertive replies in a situation or conversation are:

“I respect what you’re saying, however, I have a different opinion on this.”

“I want to understand your reason behind this decision, can you please help me do that?”

IMPORTANCE OF BEING ASSERTIVE

Have you ever been in a situation where you were trying to make someone understand your point and they seem not interested in understanding it at all?

Do you recall any conversation where the other person was trying to make you understand their point of view without acknowledging yours?

At some point in a conversation, have you ever felt that you’ve almost lost the person due to clash of thoughts, beliefs and principles?

Assertive behaviour works like wonders in these situations. It not only improves our relationships with others but also with ourselves.

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE?

Several researches have been conducted and some of the most effective techniques are as follows:

FOGGING TECHNIQUE:

To be assertive in a manipulative and aggressive conversation, it is important to shield ourselves from getting carried away in the same manner. Manuel J. Smith wrote about this technique in her book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty". This technique can help us in taking criticism sportingly and reacting assertively. This involves use of a minimal response that is calming in nature while at the same time, not agreeing to the person's thoughts if you don't believe the same.

For example, when someone tells us that “You’ve not even completed this simple task yet?” An assertive reply will be, “Yes, I got delayed in doing this work, I will complete it as soon as possible.”

STUCK RECORD TECHNIQUE:

This technique has a connection with ancient days when music was played on vinyl records. Vinyl records would often get stuck or broken and would repeat the same phrase again and again. This technique is exactly the same.

All we have to do is briefly acknowledge what the other person is saying and keep repeating our core message calmly and persistently. This technique works well when we are clear of our ideas, observations, needs and reasons.

RESPECT:

We usually tend to keep others' needs over ours. It is a great idea to reflect on what is important for us and be mindful of our need/(s).

For example, if someone comes to you for some work and you are already occupied with your work then an assertive reply will be, “I understand that you want me to do this work and I need to finish what I'm doing. So, how about if I work on this in an hour?"

ASK FOR DETAILS:

Whenever we receive a compliment or criticism, we often mix up our responses with our feelings of awkwardness or anger.

Practice accepting and acknowledging the compliment or criticism. One way to do this is by asking questions or details about the same. For example, When someone compliments you by saying that “You’ve written this article beautifully.” An assertive reply is, “Thank you, I am glad that you liked it.”

When someone criticizes you by saying, “You’ve written such a disgusting article.” An assertive reply would be, “I will surely improve, can you please tell me which aspect of the article you didn’t like?”

Being assertive has it's own perks! Would you like to try?